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Friday, January 28, 2011

Changes are at foot!

I am thinking today about connections, health, wellness and our emotions. My oldest DD is getting ready to sprout wings and leave the nest, separating herself from us and from me (swallow, that hurts to say). Anger, frustration and fear are tremendous motivators -- or they have been for me. Those emotions have led me to many changes in my life-moving out "on my own" and becoming a nanny, going back to school after my divorce, leaving unhealthy toxic relationships, ending toxic and damaging friendships, and of course with each of these changes comes new exciting, better, opportunities, inspiring people, and a better more "evolved" self. As we are inspired we gain knowledge, and as we gain knowledge what we are used to becomes unacceptable, and we sometimes experience anger, frustration and fear. Normally folks think of these emotions as negative, but they are valuable and in small ways essential to change.

Today I recognized those emotions in myself in so many ways and my relationship to those emotions. My life is always changing too-- as it should. The human existence to me is partly about change. It's about evolution, whether that is learning learning a new skill, or learing something about our personal biases and making a concious effort to change what we see in people around us. Similarly a health crisis can affect how we eat and nourish our bodies, and recommit us to exercise regularly. It is all a part of change. Many people set goals and are thoughtful this time of year. We think for a moment about the past years and things we desire-- the changes we want to make in the coming year. While I've not ever been one to make new years resolutions stick, change is something I know intimately as I imagine most of you do too. I think too-- of the way in which change occurs in our lives and how it manifests itself and how change is connected so intuitively to frustration, anger, and fear. If we fight those emotions off and stuff them down, they resurface because I believe we are divinely driven to evolve and become better versions of ourselves. They can become illness - weakened immune systems resulting in colds, backaches, distraction causing accidents. Call it stress, anxiety or what have you -- but I think of it as brewing change. It is as well our responsibility to attempt to make change with kindness in our hearts and forgiveness as that too enriches our lives. Kindness not only to ourselves but also to others. I may not always succeed at this -- but that is always my goal.

I am at this very moment so thankful for the many changes in my life- just one of them is my now and forever husband, and those babies who have grown and who I've had the honor of knowing. And I'm thankful too for the fear, anger and frustration that led me my husband to me in some small way. My previous experiences have made me the person I am and given me the appreciation of all I have now. Fear, Anger and Frustration have guided me wrongly in my life to hurtful words and acts, both to myself and to others, but they have often times provided the catalyst for good changes as well and have brought me many, many benefits too! I'm thankful today for the years of dreading the mirror, the many hours spent near tears in the dressing rooms of various department stores trying on clothes, and finally the opportunity to address what drives me to eat things I know I shouldn't. I know that sounds odd-- but truly it's all part of what has brought me here today. It's emotions that drove me where I am. Ready. (What terror that word strikes in me!), Ready to address my eating habits, and the weight that I've accumulated over the years over this voyage and the courage (dare I say it), to change it even in some small way.

I've thought for many years now about my weight. Sometimes I denied it, sometimes I was angry with myself, sometimes I blamed it on others. But mostly I feared it-- feared that I was incapable of changing it, (oh yeah I still have that fear deep inside me-it's what drives me to write this and not publish it-- see if I don't ever tell anyone I'm scared of this, then no one knows and if I fail this time, no one knows. But I will know. ) I feared that my resolve was not stronger than a Reese's peanut butter cup. And I feared that my time worn body wasn't physically able to be a thinner version of myself. Then I met those around me who successfully tackled their issues and I saw them do it and so -- I knew it was possible. And hoped that it was possible for me, and after much ruminating - I think I can finally see how.

Anger -- I am so angry that I'm here -- 218 pounds -- I'm angry at every one of them. But I will forgive them-- I have to you see! If I don't they will resurface because my anger is just one of many parts of me-- not a pretty one granted, but a necessary one. My anger, if not checked, recognized and dealt with becomes more pounds, or a backache, headache or stomach ache, harsh words, or worse. So I must forgive myself the pounds I've put on-- Whatever my motivation was, they are there and I can't wish them away. Neither can I wish away my anger-- but I can change what angers me, and how I deal with that. I have the power to change what I do with my anger!

Frustration -- goes without saying. Disheartening frustration. Small steps that then get sabotaged become frustration. However, it's with small changes that progress is made. In order to change I will have to embrace the fact that there will be times when I will take what feels like steps backward. When I do I will have the memory of 20 years of frustration to remind me that frustration is part of the process of change. It is what drives us to stop and reflect while on the path -- it's what stalls us and eventually what pushes us forward.

I resolve to publish this -- despite my fears, not so you can see it, but so that I can say I published it -- addressed my fear in a very small way, so I can put it to words and smash it into pieces and move on. And also I will publish it so I can look back on this day and remember why I'm doing this. I know there will be times when I may need to look back and remind myself why I want this. Because at my core I believe it is our divine right, pleasure and even responsibility to embrace change and become better versions of ourselves. Is a slimmer me a better me-- no, please don't misunderstand me, a slimmer me doesn't make me better, just by being more slim. A me who knows how to deal with her emotions in a way that doesn't hurt me or others is a better me! That's what it's about -- not the number, not the size, not the beauty of it -- it's the inner beauty that knows to speak up when appropriate about what makes her angry rather than hide in a big piece of cake, and stuff all that emotion deep inside her. It's the me that no longer needs to eat to cushion the painful blows of a bad marriage. A me who can see a problem, and find a real solution for that problem that doesn't involve destructive eating. I resolve to attempt kindness to myself and embrace forgiveness -- not just for myself but for everyone around me. I will search out forgiveness and kindness because forgiveness and kindness are higher guides to evolving. And they are the healers -- and healing is what we all need.

I'm sure you'll hear me talk about how I plan to lose weight and the changes I hope to make in the future. While I plan to keep this blog primarily about preserving food and making the most of the food you have, the home and all I do. I wanted you to know that it's all connected here. With me it connects -- health, well being, food, emotion, and all! Just like I am a part of my blog and writing about carrots are a part of my blog it all fits neatly here. And you too are a part of this -- that's what I love about the Internet -- just one more way to be connected to the world around you!

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